Dear Dish-It,
My last girlfriend cheated on me and it totally sucked. I know my new girlfriend would never cheat on me but I can’t seem to relax. I’m always analyzing the things she says and does because I’m still hurt about what happened with my ex and I don’t ever want to go through that again. The problem is I think I may be pushing my new girlfriend away with my attitude. What can I do to stop punishing my new girlfriend for things that my ex did to me in the past?
Just Can’t Forget
Dear JCF,
I feel for you – I really do! Few things hurt as much as being betrayed and cheating is definitely a big betrayal that can leave you feeling worthless and less confident about yourself. Cheating is an awful thing to do to someone you love and the effects of cheating can last for years and spill over into other, new relationships. It sounds like this has happened to you.
But there is good news in all of this. If you do want to heal you can – the key is to want to move on from the pain of your past experience and learn to put your trust and faith in love again.
The first thing I would do if I were you is tell your current girlfriend how you feel. Open up and share your pain with her. Tell her how your ex’s betrayal has left you emotionally scarred and let her know that even though you really don’t want to put up any walls between the two of you, you may be doing just that because you’re trying to keep those old wounds from opening up again.
If your new GF really cares about you and wants to be with you, she’ll understand and will want to help you work past your feelings of insecurity and betrayal – plus, she’ll really appreciate you being open and honest about your feelings with her, trust me!
The tricky part is, you can’t count on your new girlfriend to heal you – she’s not your personal emotional doctor. All you can do is count on her for support while you try and work through your issues on your own or with a professional.
The rest of the work is up to you.
Remind yourself that your new girlfriend is NOT your ex – they are two different people and whenever you feel yourself doubting your new girlfriend you need to remind yourself of this. It’s not fair of you to be punishing your new partner for what your ex did to you – she had nothing to do with it. So make a real effort to overcome your insecurity, or what you say is true – you might push your new girlfriend away for good, but for no good reason.
So, ya gotta burnin' question? Need some love directions? Thinkin' 'bout stuff like depression, sex,how ya feel 'bout YOURSELF (that's called "self-esteem"), boyfriends, girlfriends, losin' old friends, bullyin' or peer pressure, but too scared to ask the parents? Don't be scared to Dish-It here. Send all of your questions to deardish@kidzworld.com But 'member, if ya hang out in Chat with other Kidzworld members who know ya by your 'username', ya might wanna use a secret nickname when ya write in. That way no one'll ever know it's you. And, just in case ya don't know, Dish-It gets a lotta letters everyday, and she can't answer 'em all. So keep checkin' the column cuz she's prob'ly answerin' somethin' very similar to your question while you're out doin' somethin' else. K? And Thanks! Ya keep her outta trouble. Oh! And if ya've got words of wisdom you wanna share,We'll dish 'em up, too.
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